Journey To Northen Light

So meet me after sunset before twilight gone.

i hate to say that i am perfectly lonely.
but i am.

what i hate the most in the dark is ; they are all comes up.

i often overthink about things, its easier gone when i was with someone. but at the end of the day, everything that i have hide out start to come one by one.

and there is gonna be what scars me the most take many space on it.

i need an instrument.

i need to dance..

and i need more colours.

i walked through the line, out of line. thought things will turn around but it goes to it.

i believe.. there is a light gonna take you or me.

so it meet us up in colourful dark.

you and i,

in infinity space.

~~I found you in misty~~

i'm wide awake.
the sun goes down,
like cliches.
an endless stories start.

a beautiful dark ,
powerful star.

these empty sounds ..
watch me as i dissapear.

its 5 AM.
i looked to the sky. its kinda dark.
its probably my last sunrise.
i hate sad story it made me cry often than laugh.
i also hate watching romantic movie, there is always sad part.

or i hate everything.

i always wondering what will happened next?
i created a scenario about good and bad things. and i made my self sad then happy sometimes. an overthinker.

by the age.
im getting older.
but more question spinning my head.

there is colour that mak me happy all the time. a mixed colours.
i feel connected with it.
it seems entertain me all the time.

northen light.
easer autumn for it.

its 5 AM.

You can love someone,
and still..
choose to say goodbye.
you can miss a person,
and still be glad..,
that they're no longer in your life.

there is a few things that spinning around my mind. things that harder than anything else. what silly is i could NOT talk about it to everybody. so i need to make sure if this person is ok to talk about. not many are. but that is okay. at least but not last you see it and you can write your opinion to let me know what you think about it.

dreaming someone is normal.

i have been in the situation that i don't even understand what i'm doing. its not because i'm drunk (silly) it just because sometimes i push myself to fit in the place that i don't. and i often questioning myself why? its like why am i here ? what this is all about?
i found a word that is kinda strang for me STARSEED.
i never though there is something like this exit. but whatever is that that could be one of things in my head.

Starseed : star people (New age belief)

there are many books talking about it. and i founds many article as well. i dont know if its real or its not. it just something that i wanna learn more.

i cant even think like how did humans knows about it?
like the idea itself always amazed me.

the world is super amazing.
and i really wanna learn more about many thing. i dont know if i have enough time or i dont. or sometimes its not always about.

its about someone around.
i dont want to be something bad or you now like the shit that they need to clean about. i always dissapoint them eveytime i choose what i like or what makes me feel better of doing it. so it takes ages for me to think about things.

i am afraid with so many things.
basically its not about me. but the loves one. i cant see them sad. i dont want to see them have a bad day(eve tho it happens sometimes) i know someone's else happiness its not my responsibility, if only i could say that to my heart , but everytime it happened. i just cant. and im blaming myself of not doing it better.

what I hated most about us..,

Was the way we could lose ourselves in each other over and over..

and still never know the way.

We kept the ego.

We're enjoying life, but feel uncompleted.

We're in different life,

But feels connected.

Feels like close.

But couldn't reach other.

You always felt like a place I'd never been.

But u feel u here, inside me.

I spend my life longer in the ocean than normal life.

Everyone says it's full or risk to stay on top of the sea but I don't take it serious 🤷‍♀️ it is super dangerous how u addicted to watch sunset and sunrise without something block your eyes.

And how daylight vibes could lift up your mood.

I fell.

Some instruments got me stuck on.

My mind has mastered.

There are playlists I will repeat over and over..,

From that winter,

That snow..,

And every cold beats which was created a song to play through,

Even when distance was big wall, these lyrics would bring you back here.., to me.

I keep thinking things would running better..,

Its kinda weird! Everything is..

I looked to my self in the mirror. Not much changed or probably only inside me. That would be something ironic.

Its deep down there tried hard to out everything outside of the limit.

The sun running away,

Spinning around blurry on my mind.

To my future stranger,

I wanna tell you so many things right now, if I could.

As the feeling ruined up.. Flew away to find u.

It perhaps different if u were here by my side. But weren't.

the blue sky

Blue ocean...,

We've been doing something right?! Aren't we?

I'm a bit surprised and I would hate myself all my life if I'm not doing anything. But I am.

I don't really have something to make me cry except it is something big and important in my life. You get me wrong it's more than things.

It is super complicated. No one would never understand until u tell me the same or u have same story..,

Yes it is something cruel. The most craziest thing that I would hate forever.

I'm pretty sure as a normal heart full of love and peace you would never ever do something bad to someone who doesn't even know that much about life.. Or just a few months landed on the world.

It feels so painful but It wasn't happen on me. I feel so bad, no none make me wanna write in this blog than this feeling right now.

I wanna shout out and clear all of shit but it's impossible cz I know it would make things worse.

But it's so God damned crazy and stupid.

I wanna do something but I couldn't.

Its like I know my limit, there is a big walls, a mirror walls. I could see everything but couldn't do anything. Tried so hard to climb it, to save the things that make me feels so bad but it's so fucking hard.

I don't understand why is every smile of those laugh couldn't make the heart of love moving and take away the anger or madness.

I don't understand! At all..,

As I feel it on my heart..

It is something painful.

As stucked on my head and spinning around reminds me every second how crazy and stupid is it.

I would be the God mother for every new laughter whose thinking the cloud

follow the step.

The God mother that I wish could do more than just crying and sad.

A today quote

" you know it's painful enough to be YOU."

So make sure no none feel the same!!!

I started questioning myself about the things that u did. Or what I really wants all my life.

It faded slowly.

Recently..,

Fly away blaming the night, and comes up while I'm drunk.

Its a magical dark..

Some stars everglow,

Spread another hope.

Kick away sadness in the sky..

Oh norrhen light..

A beautiful aurora borealis..,

I couldn't even understand why those colour lift me up!

Part by part flooding into my mind.

Then take a little space, but work out more than another.

Here we go..,

Not sure why a milky-way is one of my favorite to transfer it into canvas.., but all I know it's a magical colour. Part of something that make me wondering how did this world happened, why would I'm here for it.., and some crazy questions that u won't expected. :)

Feels like living in someone else's life. :(

So I feel so depressed recently, it is not about me at all. But only to think about someone's else problem make me wanna stop living.

I just feel like I don't deserve the world. It is so cruel and mostly make me wanna cry!

I wanna shout out about what I feel, I wanna stop here.

I feel like I can't do this anymore.

Its not me. It's not about my life at all. It just so sad and stressed to think about.

Okay it's about the kids.

Well, you're right I never give a birth, and I don't even have one.

But there always something make me so depressed and stressed just to think about the kids.

The way how the world treat them. Especially their parents.

I don't understand why, it just full of surprises.

"If it's about me.., if it's about how much I laugh abd need to pay with sadness so just take my soul.., take me from this cruel world. "

i could never understand this feeling..,

Its over there down.. So hurting.

Okay take a little breath..,

This is how it's supposed to be! Probably. I just feel so idiot. I feel like a hell comes up around.

I dunno.

Life is weird. Or probably only mine.

This feeling.., something that I couldn't stop. Something that hit me ever time its happened.

If only I could stop this. By doing something. But feels so unreal.

Things are running like river's water, going by flow. And how can I stop this all to be something good, if it's all comes from outside. How can I..?

I wish that something powerful lift me up to somewhere. To stop this feeling!

Or make the things which is isn't mine being something good.

There is a space on the brain that never be satisfied for every single thing that we had. And that space is the one who makes you wanna run away from every place that u wish can fill it through.

So this is my very first time of using DVD to painting something.

It doesn't take time but was so happy I could paint it. Actually it's so hard to blend some colour, it just so different than canvas. Allright you are right some canvas seems so hard to blend it through but yas.. Still.. On DVD is more difficult.

(for me)

Nothing more to say.., enjoy my arts. :) hope you liked it.

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